I'm No Russian

I'm no Russian, not even Prussian
Doorman at the yacht club was my one claim to fame
Some say I'm nervy, hell, I'm from Jersey
This chasin' money can do things to your brain

How does a shore boy like me
Wind up out on the Black Sea?

Dropped out of Harvard, then joined the Coast Guard
Manned a faithful fifty on a boat in Gitmo
Did my duty, but missed the booty
I heard that St. Barth was the place I should go

How could a coastie like me
Sail off into infamy?

I couldn't surf or sing or play the guitar
All I ever did was steal an oligarch's car
My million dollar joy ride was not the perfect crime
Those bad boys from Little Odessa don't believe in wasting time
A Lamborghini Elemento ain't your average island car
"Park it close," the driver told me, sounding like some kind of czar
With a bucket of Cristal and devil weed inside
I thought it would be crazy not to take a ride
Flying through Gustavia, passing Mini Mokes
Gendarmes at the roundabout didn't get the joke
Speeding down the hill like a Dassault Mirage
Parked it on the runway and headed for la plague

Bar on fire, den of desire
Dancing on a table, she was waving me in
Her name was Kira, she knew no fear-a
Then introduced me to her vampirish friends

I'd never seen such a girl
Was she from some future world?

Over thousand dollar vodka and kilos of caviar
I told them how I'd commandeered the oligarch's car
They were laughing, speaking Russian and getting over served
When Kira looked at me and said, "could you take us round some curves?"

A chick drone strike is a lethal attack
You never see it comin' and you can't fight back
They feel entitled to all access from clubs to army camp-as
If you don't believe it, ask those generals down in Tampa
The KGB and coppers soon joined the chase
Spectators lined the roads like a Grand Prix race
Dropped the girls at Ti St. Barth to get them out of the commotion
Then I missed the curve at Toiny and drove into the ocean

Underwater, my world is sinking
Will I wind up like Pussy Riot, that's what I'm thinking
Feeling foolish, my fate's a mystery
Don't want polonium rolled up in my sushi

Oh baby Jesus, come through
I am in need of rescue

Now we can't leave this white boy drowning in the dark
What the hell was he thinkin', you don't fuck around with sharks
Turns out the lovely Kira held a most important tool
It was her daddy's Lamborghini and she saved that crazy fool

No he couldn't surf or sing or play the guitar
They made an artificial reef out of the oligarch's car
It was Kira, lovely Kira who got him off the hook
Then they took her yacht to Istanbul just to take a look

No, I couldn't surf or sing, or play the guitar
All I ever did was steal an oligarch's car
My million dollar joy ride was not the perfect crime
But I'm not dead, still have my head
This margarita needs more lime